Chapter 8 Ghost

I did not see much of Jasper’s guests for the two sunny days that they were in Forks. Ionly went home at all so that Esme wouldn’t worry. Otherwise, my existence seemedmore like that of a specter than a vampire. I hovered, invisible in the shadows, where Icould follow the object of my love and obsession—where I could see her and hear her inthe minds of the lucky humans who could walk through the sunlight beside her,sometimes accidentally brushing the back of her hand with their own. She never reactedto such contact; their hands were just as warm as hers.

　　The enforced absence from school had never been a trial like this before. But thesun seemed to make her happy, so I could not resent it too much. Anything that pleasedher was in my good graces.

　　Monday morning, I eavesdropped on a conversation that had the potential todestroy my confidence and make the time spent away from her a torture. As it ended up,though, it rather made my day.

　　I had to feel some little respect for Mike Newton; he had not simply given up andslunk away to nurse his wounds. He had more bravery than I’d given him credit for. Hewas going to try again.

　　Bella got to school quite early and, seeming intent on enjoying the sun while itlasted, sat at one of the seldom used picnic benches while she waited for the first bell toring. Her hair caught the sun in unexpected ways, giving off a reddish shine that I hadnot anticipated.

　　Mike found her there, doodling again, and was thrilled at his good luck.

　　It was agonizing to only be able to watch, powerless, bound to the forest’sshadows by the bright sunlight.

　　She greeted him with enough enthusiasm to make him ecstatic, and me theopposite.

　　See, she likes me. She wouldn’t smile like that if she didn’t. I bet she wanted togo to the dance with me. Wonder what’s so important in Seattle… He perceived the change in her hair. “I never noticed before—your hair has red init.”

　　I accidentally uprooted the young spruce tree my hand was resting on when hepinched a strand of her hair between his fingers.

　　“Only in the sun,” she said. To my deep satisfaction, she cringed away from himslightly when he tucked the strand behind her ear.

　　It took Mike a minute to build up his courage, wasting some time on small talk.

　　She reminded him of the essay we all had due on Wednesday. From the faintlysmug expression on her face, hers was already done. He’d forgotten altogether, and thatseverely diminished his free time.

　　Dang—stupid essay.

　　Finally he got to the point—my teeth were clenched so hard they could havepulverized granite—and even then, he couldn’t make himself ask the question outright.

　　“I was going to ask if you wanted to go out.”

　　“Oh,” she said.

　　There was a brief silence.

　　Oh? What does that mean? Is she going to yes? Wait—I guess I didn’t reallyask.

　　He swallowed hard.

　　“Well, we could go to dinner or something…and I could work on it later.”

　　Stupid—that wasn’t a question either.

　　“Mike…”

　　The agony and fury of my jealousy was every whit as powerful as it had been lastweek. I broke another tree trying to hold myself here. I wanted so badly to race acrossthe campus, too fast for human eyes, and snatch her up—to steal her away from the boythat I hated so much in this moment I could have kill him and enjoyed it.

　　Would she say yes to him?

　　“I don’t think that would be the best idea.”

　　I breathed again. My rigid body relaxed.

　　Seattle was just an excuse, after all. Shouldn’t have asked. What was I thinking?

　　Bet it’s that freak, Cullen… “Why?” he asked sullenly.

　　“I think…” she hesitated. “And if you ever repeat what I’m saying right now Iwill cheerfully beat you to death—”

　　I laughed out loud at the sound of a death threat coming through her lips. A jayshrieked, startled, and launched itself away from me.

　　“But I think that would hurt Jessica’s feelings.”

　　“Jessica?” What? But… Oh. Okay. I guess… So… Huh.

　　His thoughts were no longer coherent.

　　“Really, Mike, are you blind?”

　　I echoed her sentiment. She shouldn’t expect everyone to be as perceptive as shewas, but really this instance was beyond obvious. With as much trouble as Mike had hadworking himself up to ask Bella out, did he imagine it wasn’t just as difficult for Jessica?

　　It must be selfishness that made him blind to others. And Bella was so unselfish, she saweverything.

　　Jessica. Huh. Wow. Huh. “Oh,” he managed to say.

　　Bella used his confusion to make her exit.

　　“It’s time for class, and I can’t be late again.”

　　Mike became an unreliable viewpoint from then on. He found, as he turned theidea of Jessica around and around in his head, that he rather liked the thought of herfinding him attractive. It was second place, not as good as if Bella had felt that way.

　　She’s cute, though, I guess. Decent body. A bird in the hand…He was off then, on to new fantasies that were just as vulgar as the ones aboutBella, but now they only irritated rather than infuriated. How little he deserved eithergirl; they were almost interchangeable to him. I stayed clear of his head after that.

　　When she was out of sight, I curled up against the cool trunk of an enormousmadrone tree and I danced from mind to mind, keeping her in sight, always glad whenAngela Weber was available to look through. I wished there was someway to thank theWeber girl for simply being a nice person. It made me feel better to think that Bella hadone friend worth having.

　　I watched Bella’s face from whichever angle I was given, and I could see that shewas sad again. This surprised me—I thought the sun would be enough to keep her. smiling. At lunch, I saw her glance time and time again toward the empty Cullen table,and that thrilled me. It gave me hope. Perhaps she missed me, too.

　　She had plans to go out with the other girls—I automatically planned my ownsurveillance—but these plans were postponed when Mike invited Jessica out on the datehe’d planned for Bella.

　　So I went straight to her home instead, doing a quick sweep of the woods to makesure no one dangerous had wandered too close. I knew Jasper had warned his one-timebrother to avoid the town—citing my insanity as both explanation and warning—but Iwasn’t taking any chances. Peter and Charlotte had no intention of causing animositywith my family, but intentions were changeable things…All right, I was overdoing it. I knew that.

　　As if she knew I was watching, as if she took pity on the agony I felt when Icouldn’t see her, Bella came out to the backyard after a long hour indoors. She had abook in her hand and a blanket under her arm.

　　Silently, I climbed into the higher branches of the closest tree overlooking theyard.

　　She spread the blanket on the damp grass and then lay on her stomach and startedflipping through the worn book, as if trying to find her place. I read over her shoulder.

　　Ah—more classics. She was an Austen fan.

　　She read quickly, crossing and recrossing her ankles in the air. I was watchingthe sunlight and wind play in her hair when her body suddenly stiffened, and her handfroze on the page. All I saw was that she’d reached chapter three when she roughlygrabbed a thick section of pages and shoved them over.

　　I caught a glance of a title page, Mansfield Park. She was starting a new story—the book was a compilation of novels. I wondered why she’d switched stories soabruptly.

　　Just a few moments later, she slammed the book angrily shut. With a fierce scowlon her face, she pushed the book aside and flipped over onto her back. She took a deepbreath, as if to calm herself, pushed her sleeves up and closed her eyes. I remembered thenovel, but I couldn’t think of anything offensive in it to upset her. Another mystery. Isighed.

　　 She lay very still, moving just once to yank her hair away from her face. Itfanned out over her head, a river of chestnut. And then she was motionless again.

　　Her breathing slowed. After several long minutes her lips began to tremble.

　　Mumbling in her sleep.

　　Impossible to resist. I listened as far out as I could, catching voices in the housesnearby.

　　Two tablespoons of flour…one cup of milk…C’mon! Get it through the hoop! Aw, c’mon!

　　Red, or blue…or maybe I should wear something more casual…There was no one close by. I jumped to the ground, landing silently on my toes.

　　This was very wrong, very risky. How condescendingly I’d once judged Emmettfor his thoughtless ways and Jasper for his lack of discipline—and now I was consciouslyflouting all the rules with a wild abandon that made their lapses look like nothing at all. Iused to be the responsible one.

　　I sighed, but crept out into the sunshine, regardless.

　　I avoided looking at myself in the sun’s glare. It was bad enough that my skinwas stone and inhuman in shadow; I didn’t want to look at Bella and myself side by sidein the sunlight. The difference between us was already insurmountable, painful enoughwithout this image also in my head.

　　But I couldn’t ignore the rainbow sparkles that reflected onto her skin when I gotcloser. My jaw locked at the sight. Could I be any more of a freak? I imagined herterror if she opened her eyes now…I started to retreat, but she mumbled again, holding me there.

　　“Mmm… Mmm.”

　　Nothing intelligible. Well, I would wait for a bit.

　　I carefully stole her book, stretching my arm out and holding my breath while Iwas close, just in case. I started breathing again when I was a few yards away, tasting theway the sunshine and open air affected her scent. The heat seemed to sweeten the smell.

　　My throat flamed with desire, the fire fresh and fierce again because I had been awayfrom her for too long.

　　 I spent a moment controlling that, and then—forcing myself to breathe throughmy nose—I let her book fall open in my hands. She’d started with the first book… Iflipped through the pages quickly to the third chapter of Sense and Sensibility, searchingfor something potentially offensive in Austen’s overly polite prose.

　　When my eyes stopped automatically at my name—the character Edward Ferrarsbeing introduced for the first time—Bella spoke again.

　　“Mmm. Edward.” She sighed.

　　This time I did not fear that she had awoken. Her voice was just a low, wistfulmurmur. Not the scream of fear it would have been if she’d seen me now.

　　Joy warred with self-loathing. She was still dreaming of me, at least.

　　“Edmund. Ahh. Too….close…”

　　Edmund?

　　Ha! She wasn’t dreaming of me at all, I realized blackly. The self-loathingreturned in force. She was dreaming of fictional characters. So much for my conceit.

　　I replaced her book, and stole back into the cover of the shadows—where Ibelonged.

　　The afternoon passed and I watched, feeling helpless again, as the sun slowlysank in the sky and the shadows crawled across the lawn toward her. I wanted to pushthem back, but the darkness was inevitable; the shadows took her. When the light wasgone, her skin looked too pale—ghostly. Her hair was dark again, almost black againsther face.

　　It was a frightening thing to watch—like witnessing Alice’s visions come tofruition. Bella’s steady, strong heartbeat was the only reassurance, the sound that keptthis moment from feeling like a nightmare.

　　I was relieved when her father arrived home.

　　I could hear little from him as he drove down the street toward the house. Somevague annoyance…in the past, something from his day at work. Expectation mixed withhunger—I guessed that he was looking forward to dinner. But his thoughts were so quietand contained that I could not be sure I was right; I only got the gist of them.

　　I wondered what her mother sounded like—what the genetic combination hadbeen that had formed her so uniquely.

　　 Bella started awake, jerking up to a sitting position when the tires of her father’scar hit the brick driveway. She stared around herself, seeming confused by theunexpected darkness. For one brief moment, her eyes touched the shadows where I hid,but they flickered quickly away.

　　“Charlie?” she asked in a low voice, still peering into the trees surrounding thesmall yard.

　　The door of his car slammed shut, and she looked to the sound. She got to herfeet quickly and gathered her things, casting one more look back toward the woods.

　　I moved into a tree closer to the back window near the small kitchen, and listenedto their evening. It was interesting to compare Charlie’s words to his muffled thoughts.

　　His love and concern for his only daughter were nearly overwhelming, and yet his wordswere always terse and casual. Most of the time, they sat in companionable silence.

　　I heard her discuss her plans for the following evening in Port Angeles, and Irefined my own plans as I listened. Jasper had not warned Peter and Charlotte to stayclear of Port Angeles. Though I knew that they had fed recently and had no intention ofhunting any where in the vicinity of our home, I would watch her, just in case. After all,there were always others of my kind out there. And then, all those human dangers that Ihad never much considered before now.

　　I heard her worry aloud about leaving her father to prepare dinner alone, andsmiled at this proof to my theory—yes, she was a care-taker.

　　And then I left, knowing I would return when she was asleep.

　　I would not trespass on her privacy the way the peeping tom would have. I washere for her protection, not to leer at her in the way Mike Newton no doubt would, werehe agile enough to move through the treetops the way I could. I would not treat her socrassly.

　　My house was empty when I returned, which was fine by me. I didn’t miss theconfused or disparaging thoughts, questioning my sanity. Emmett had left a note stuck tothe newel post.

　　Football at the Rainier field—c’mon! Please?

　　I found a pen and scrawled the word sorry beneath his plea. The teams were evenwithout me, in any case.

　　 I went for the shortest of hunting trips, contenting myself with the smaller, gentlercreatures that did not taste as good as the hunters, and then changed into fresh clothesbefore I ran back to Forks.

　　Bella did not sleep as well tonight. She thrashed in her blankets, her facesometimes worried, sometimes sad. I wondered what nightmare haunted her…and thenrealized that perhaps I really didn’t want to know.

　　When she spoke, she mostly muttered derogatory things about Forks in a glumvoice. Only once, when she sighed out the words “Come back” and her hand twitchedopen—a wordless plea—did I have a chance to hope she might be dreaming of me.

　　The next day of school, the last day the sun would hold me prisoner, was muchthe same as the day before. Bella seemed even gloomier than yesterday, and I wonderedif she would bow out of her plans—she didn’t seem in the mood.

　　But, being Bella, she would probably put her friends’ enjoyment above that of herown.

　　She wore a deep blue blouse today, and the color set her skin off perfectly,making it look like fresh cream.

　　School ended, and Jessica agreed to pick the other girls up—Angela was going,too, for which I was grateful.

　　I went home to get my car. When I found that Peter and Charlotte were there, Idecided could afford to give the girls an hour or so for a head start. I would never be ableto bear following behind them, driving at the speed limit—hideous thought.

　　I came in through the kitchen, nodding vaguely at Emmett’s and Esme’s greetingsas I passed by everyone in the front room and went straight to the piano.

　　Ugh, he’s back. Rosalie, of course.

　　Ah, Edward. I hate to see him suffering so. Esme’s joy was becoming marred byconcern. She should be concerned. This love story she envisioned for me was careeningtoward a tragedy more perceptibly every moment.

　　Have fun in Port Angeles tonight, Alice thought cheerfully. Let me know whenI’m allowed to talk to Bella.

　　You’re pathetic. I can’t believe you missed the game last night just to watchsomebody sleep, Emmett grumbled.

　　 Jasper paid me no mind, even when the song I played came out a little morestormily than I’d intended. It was an old song, with a familiar theme: impatience. Jasperwas saying goodbye to his friends, who eyed me curiously.

　　What a strange creature, the Alice-sized, white-blond Charlotte was thinking.

　　And he was so normal and pleasant the last time we met.

　　Peter’s thoughts were in sync with hers, as was usually the case.

　　It must be the animals. The lack of human blood drives them mad eventually, hewas concluding. His hair was just as fair as hers, and almost as long. They were verysimilar—except for size, as he was almost as tall as Jasper—in both look and thought. Awell matched pair, I’d always thought.

　　Everyone but Esme stopped thinking about me after a moment, and I played inmore subdued tones so that I would not attract notice.

　　I did not pay attention to them for a long while, just letting the music distract mefrom my unease. It was hard to have the girl out of sight and mind. I only returned myattention to their conversation when the goodbyes grew more final.

　　“If you see Maria again,” Jasper was saying, a little warily, “tell her I wish herwell.”

　　Maria was the vampire who had created both Jasper and Peter—Jasper in thelatter half of the nineteenth century, Peter more recently, in the nineteen forties. She’dlooked Jasper up once when we were in Calgary. It had been an eventful visit—we’d hadto move immediately. Jasper had politely asked her to keep her distance in the future.

　　“I don’t imagine that will happen soon,” Peter said with a laugh—Maria wasundeniable dangerous and there was not much love lost between her and Peter. Peterhad, after all, been instrumental in Jasper’s defection. Jasper had always been Maria’sfavorite; she considered it a minor detail that she had once planned to kill him. “But,should it happen, I certainly will.”

　　They were shaking hands then, preparing to depart. I let the song I was playingtrail off to an unsatisfying end, and got hastily to my feet.

　　“Charlotte, Peter,” I said, nodding.

　　“It was nice to see you again, Edward,” Charlotte said doubtfully. Peter justnodded in return.

　　 Madman, Emmett threw after me.

　　Idiot, Rosalie thought at the same time.

　　Poor boy. Esme.

　　And Alice, in a chiding tone. They’re going straight east, to Seattle. No wherenear Port Angeles. She showed me the proof in her visions.

　　I pretended I hadn’t heard that. My excuses were already flimsy enough.

　　Once in my car, I felt more relaxed; the robust purr of the engine Rosalie hadboosted for me—last year, when she was in a better mood—was soothing. It was a reliefto be in motion, to know that I was getting closer to Bella with every mile that flew awayunder my tires.